About creativity and the self

I’m taking a break from the Project 365. I might pick it up later, but it was making me stressed about several things, one of them being creativity. So I need a breather. I need to look around, and pause, and see what is passing by unseen.

I was a bit down about it, but this week has been one of the best weeks this year, in terms of creativity. I’m using another medium to express it, but I’m very confident that it’s all interconnected. One thing that I’m understanding is that the fear of the self is a big complication to the creative individual. The western judaico-christian notion of the after life, and all that comes with it, is pervasive and anti-human. Better people than me have pointed this out, but I’m a late learner.

Happiness, for me, comes from creating, and these creations come from me, not the gods.

No regrets.

Today I didn’t have to end my life

I always dreaded this and today it happened.

I still don’t have my bank card from our French bank. I got tired of going there to pick it up, after receiving the text messages confirming that it was there, only to be met by very nice people that didn’t have it. I’m sure they still don’t have it because I never even received the pin in the mail… French bureaucracy, what can I say?!

Because I forgot the pin from my Portuguese card and still don’t have the French one, I always carry some money for groceries and stuff. I’m always mindful of how much I have, but sometimes I thought “What if I go to the til and don’t have enough cash?”.

Well now I know what happens. I was at Carrefour and didn’t account the trip to the laundry mat and… oops – I didn’t have sufficient funds. I was surprised by my serene reaction. I didn’t freak out and everything turned out OK. It’s not that bad, apart from the disgruntled old ladies in the cue that I ignored. There was nothing I could do but return items to reduce the bill. It was fine and I even got the til girl to smile (she never does).

I’m happy to have discovered this about myself: If there is nothing I can do, I just smile, say that I’m terribly sorry and move on. I’m glad I’m not fifteen anymore. This would be cause for harakiri or something at that age!

Sempre temi que isto pudesse acontecer e hoje aconteceu.

Ainda não tenho o meu cartão bancário francês. Fartei-me de ir lá sempre que me mandavam uma mensagem de telemóvel a dizer que já o podia ir levantar. Nunca estava lá e aposto que ainda não está porque nunca recebi o pin no correio como era suposto… Burocracia francesa, o que se pode dizer mais?!

Porque me esqueci do pin do meu cartão português e como ainda não tenho o francês, tenho sempre comigo algum dinheiro para compras de comida e isso. Estou sempre consciente de quanto tenho na carteira mas às vezes penso “E se chego à caixa e não tenho suficiente?”.

Bem, agora já sei o que acontece. Estava no Carrefour e esqueci-me que tinha estado a tratar da roupa na lavandaria self-service e… ops! – Não tinha fundos suficientes. Fiquei surpreendida pela minha calma. Não me enervei e no fim correu tudo bem. Não é tão mau como eu podia imaginar, tirando as velhotas resmungonas na bicha atrás de mim. Eu não podia fazer nada a não ser devolver coisas até reduzir a conta. Correu tudo bem e no fim até consegui pôr a rapariga da caixa a sorrir (coisa que ela nunca faz).

Estou contente por ter descoberto que, se não há nada que eu posso fazer para alterar uma situação, sou capaz de sorrir, pedir desculpa e continuar com a minha vida. Também estou contente de já não ter quinze anos. Nessa idade a solução seria harakiri ou algo assim.